Having spent time fortifying the town of Tenorwon and resting up, our adventurers seemed ready to continue their quest for Marrick’s Relics. The golem maker, Harold, who was acquired during an obsidian mining operation the group undertook in order to expand the cave of Karkius, Marrick’s god-like dragon mount, approached the adventurers while they listened to a local band and sipped brandy at Tenorwon’s watering hole: The Putrid Pig.
Harold had been sent to task restoring a wooden golem made from a man the adventurers had rescued from the false dragon’s lair and seemed to be having difficulty. He explained to the adventurers that he had used the Orb of Free Will on the wooden golem but the creation remained mindless and agressive. Without a certain item of Marrick, Harold would not be able to completely restore the wooden man’s mind. Fortunately, Harold was vaguely familiar of a rumored relic of Marrick being to the far east; deep within Azuiel’s territory. The adventurers gladly accepted the quest wishing to bring further glory to their town and Marrick. “Marrick’s will be done!” they all exclaimed, slamming their brandy as they prepared to depart immediately.
Team Marrick set out with three wagons and a dozen horses on the road east toward what they did not know. Their travels were sure to be treacherous and, being in enemy territory, the word of the day was caution. A few days into their journey they came upon a fork in the road. According to their map, the left route to the north would take them to a town which presumably worshiped the sissy-god Azuiel seeing as they were now in his domain while the road to the right which lead south would continue them on their main quest. The party argued briefly of the validity of attacking a town in their present state and whether or not they should attempt to gain information from the town or continue on. In the end it was decided that they would send Darius the theif and sneak-spai extraordinaire to see if a raid on the town was feasible or if there was anything of interest in the area. Anonymous McFakename, feeling his bloodlust and thirst for adventure welling up inside him demanded to go along and, after much arguing, the group begrudgingly relented.
(Not sure, but Eric might have went along as well? Edit if so)
Darius and Anonymous crept along the outskirts of the town at night in order to get a lay of the land and report back to the group. The thief, Darius, being…well…a sneakthief was as stealth as a kitten in mittens. Anonymous however, being a giant horse man and entirely unsneaky and unsuited for this task was immediately discovered and the town was thrown into full alert. The two adventurers fought off a small boy and a guard but soon noticed a dangerous looking robed figure stepping out of the town hall. Oh, there were also about 30 armed men. Anonymous, after falling on his face trying to run downhill to kill the little boy and failing, began foaming at the mouth. Against all reason he sought to vanquish these foul people no matter the cost! Darius ran off into the night shouting “Good luck with that!” over his shoulder at Anonymous as he left. Anonymous, realizing victory could come at no cost less than his own life, followed after Darius back to the camp. After they returned to camp and told the rest of the party what happened, the adventurers decided the best course of action would be to keep moving, preferably at an accelerated pace.
A few weeks later the group approached what appeared to be a small trading outpost. Suspecting these people too would be followers of the pansypuss god Azuiel, they set about formulating a plan to gain info and maybe a bit of loot. Bartlebee, feeling the need to redeem himself after failing to kill the lightning snake which had hobbled him, volunteered to disguise himself as a follower of Azuiel and approach the camp to get some info. Sprax the young, beautiful and barely legal nymphomaniac opted to go with Bartlebee in case trouble should occur and her formidable power be necessary. Bartlebee cleverly disguised himself in a robe he had taken off a fallen foe marked with the holy symbol of the moron deity Azuiel while Sprax played the part of a wizard turned thief who Bartlebee had captured and intended to use as a sex slave.
Upon entering the small outpost, the two noticed a single man standing guard by the fire. Sprax sensed great magic coming from the man’s armor and sword and warned Bartlebee of such. The bard called out to the guard while hailing Azuiel (which made him vomit slightly in his mouth) and approached. The disguise worked and the man began chatting with Bartlebee, asking about his captive. To Bartlebee and Sprax’s surprise, when the man was pressed for information he suggested a trade: Sprax’s ass for some solid info. Bartlebee shrugged still trying to play the part and Sprax’s sweet ass was compromised. After some clever wordplay and the use of his ungodly charisma points, Bartlebee convinced the man to let him watch while he pillaged Sprax’s dungeon (“It’s kind of my thing, voyeurism that is.”) The man agreed but insisted that Bartlebee stand behind him so as to not throw him off. In the man’s room, Sprax was getting it good by the fire while Bartlebee readied his Golden Lute of Xtreme Rawk to bash the man in the head from behind.
Unfortunately, as Bartlebee swung the man thrusted particularly hard which gave Bartlebee only a glancing blow and nowhere near a hard enough a hit to down this warrior. The man turned around stunned and angry but, again using his quick wits Bartlebee passed it off as a donkey punch and attested that he was only trying to maximize his new friend’s experience (“You look like a guy who might be into that sort of thing. You know, auto erotic asphyxiation and all that.”) Bartlebee apologized and smoothed over the situation by offering to play some funky music to get the man back in the mood. Little did the now dazed man know that Bartlebee’s lute was MAGICAL and he was soon ensnared in a charm spell. At this point Sprax is bleeding slightly and crying a bit but still enjoying herself. Seeing this sight, Bartlebee recognizes the evil that exists in this man and takes a liking to him. Using the charm spell to his advantage, he convinces the man to put a magical orb up his bum (“It’ll maximize your orgasm man, trust me. Plus you’ll poop easy for a week. It’s worth it.”) The man obliged under Bartlebee’s control and went back to giving it to Sprax.
As the sex got rougher the glowing white that shone from the righteous warrior’s eyes became dimmer. With a final push the man finished his business and punched Sprax in the back of the head, knocking her out. “So how do you feel about that Azuiel guy?” asked Bartlebee hardly able to contain his whimsy. “Fuck Azuiel” the man replied and Bartlebee let out a hearty chortle. Bartlebee then played the part of an Azuiel follower who was reconsidering his faith in order to fully transition this possible ally to the ways of Marrick. Lo and behold, the man already knows some things of Marrick including (bum bum BUUUMMM) a more specific location the party should search for the relic of Marrick they are questing after. He also knows the relic to be the Gloves of Marrick and a way through the mountains the party could take in order to avoid a very large Azuiel city on the road ahead. Bartlebee, again lying through his teeth, asked the man to come along with him and Sprax and claimed that he had met up with a party recently who was also questing for this item and that his info and skills would be of value to them. The man protested as his life had been protecting this outpost for a while now but Bartlebee convinced him that his new life worshiping Marrick demanded that he destroy this outpost in order to start fresh in the good graces of his new badass god. The man agreed and they went back to the rest of the party together.
Back at camp, the man (whose name still hasn’t been given or asked at this point) tells the adventurers the purpose of the trading outpost. Apparently it is a fur trading station with some trappers and woodsman stationed in the barracks. Another point of interest is the bank which the man notes is guarded by a few badasses. The party decides to kill off the woodsmen first and heads out en mass with bloodletting on their minds and Marrick’s glory in their hearts.
The party approached the barracks in two teams in order to cover both exits to the building. Darius used his mirror after opening the door a crack to get a look inside. Two men stood guard over about eight sleeping woodsmen while two large sheepdogs slept by the fire. Fortunately, the only guard that could have seen the mirror Darius held was borderline retarded and almost fell over just as Darius peeked into the room. Having made no plan for how to go about the slaughter, the party as per usual began arguing about the best method. Some thought Darius should sneak in through the door by the sleeping men and attempt to kill as many as he could in their sleep.
Suddenly Anonymous McFakename as per usual burst into the room loudly with any thought of strategy or planning or the well being of the group as a whole cast to the wind. Hammertime, trying to take charge of the situation pressed his mark in order to signal the rest of the group. What he was signaling, no one knew as they had never planned anything using the mark in the first place. Everything conveniently fell together however since most of the men were suddenly woken and startled as well as mostly naked and completely unarmed. The retarded guards barely put up a fight and Pep Pep worked to control one of the dogs, ordering it to attack the other canine. Sprax set fire to a row of bunks burning five or six men horribly while Anonymous, Hammertime, and Bartlebee pounded on a few of the wood folk. McAnimalnoise set his hoard of undead kittens upon one of the guards which gave him many a cat scratch.
All but two of the men were killed swiftly. The remaining two gave up and were forced under penalty of death to fuck each other as Marrick demanded it. Both of the men went at it, fearing for their lives more than their virgin asses. Our adventurers noticed that the dogs were still fighting and, joyous in their victory, a round of betting took place. Pep Pep’s dog vs. the Other Dog. Bartlebee, having a gambling itch (see: problem) gave two to one odds for each dog on what was at that point a very even fight. Everyone bet large sums on their fellow Pep Pep’s hound except Sprax who put the largest amount on the other dog in hopes of a huge victory.
Sprax – 40P on Other
McAnimalnoise – 20P on Pep Pep
Anonymous – 5P on Pep Pep
Darius – 5G on Pep Pep
Hammertime – 10G on Pep Pep
Pep Pep – 4G on Pep Pep
Bartlebee(house) – Holding 60P 24G in bets
After what had to be the weirdest series of attacks (they rolled the same number four times in a row including once for damage. It was epic) Pep Pep’s furry friend was victorious. The winners received their bets back along with their winnings.
Sprax – Lost 40P
McAnimalnoise – Won 40P
Anonymous – Won 10P
Darius – Won 10G
Hammertime – Won 20G
Pep Pep – Won 8G
Bartlebee(house) – Kept 81G
(I didn’t do much in the next part so someone else finish)